Some guidelines...

I asked the great Susan L Taylor how she was able to take the pain and make it so positive... at what point was she able to make that transition? She began to speak, and after several minutes of exchanges, she suggested I start a women's group, a blog, a forum, something where we could talk. Where we as women could come and safely discuss the things in life that have damaged us. Not in the spirit of bitching and complaining, but in an effort to heal and grow beyond what we've experienced.

So ladies, I welcome you to Healed Doesn't Mean It Don't Hurt. Where I claim to have no quick fixes, and will admit there are many days when I'm anything but positive, but where we can work this out together. See, I believe that there's a place where POSITIVITY and REALITY can meet... where we can acknowledge and address the issues in a progressive manner... and where that honesty brings to us healing that frees us from our previous chains of bondage, but also admits the hurt is still something we deal with.

Hopefully, I'm making sense and you all can feel me on this.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Truth & Trust... Does one prevent the other?

Ok.. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a big believer in being honest even though that honesty is sometimes brutal.  Now, if I'm being real, I think that my relationship with truth has become the preventer of trust.  And then there's the additional perception that acceptance of reality is somehow negative and I have to beg to differ.

Let's deal with the first of these issues:  TRUTH... and its effect on us.

Truth to me is like an English Bulldog: It's so ugly, it's cute.  Or like the funnel of a tornado:  It has the power to wreak havoc on anything that gets in its path, but damn it's beautiful and you have to respect its power.  Because once the destruction happens, there's no choice left but to rebuild.  And now you know what needs to be stronger, where to place the beems in the foundation of your heart.  Make sense? But in this new found building process do we now trust nothing again.  It doesn't matter what the manufacturers say.  No matter how strong the steel is, how tempered the glass, or storm proof the shutters, don't those of us who have experienced AND survived the force of TRUTH always build a SAFE HOUSE... an underground bunker... where we place our valuables, those things that are precious and cannot be replaced?

So, the question becomes is the acceptance of truth, the exposing of that which needs to be brought to light, a debilitating factor in our ability to risk again.  To engage in relationships without the need for an emergency plan or expert exit strategy.  I'm just asking.

It's like this:  before we had tornado watches and warnings... we just enjoyed the show that nature put on for us.  We admired the shift in the wind, the moving of the clouds in the sky, and the firework display put on by its lightening.  But now that we have witnessed its destruction... now that we've had to clean up the wreckage left behind by our ignorance of what it could do, most of us listen to the warning signals, button down the hatches, and evacuate to our safe places at the hint that something of that magnitude could be coming our way.  There are those few... the storm chasers we all think are crazy that go running head first chasing that which we all want to entertain but respectfully fear. 

How do you become a storm chaser when you've had to pick up the pieces of your life from beneath the rubble of lies, cheating, abuse, and pain?  How is that possible? Depending on your upbringing and culture, you may say that God is the answer.  You know "when you're ready to let go & let God, you will."  Now, I have some serious thoughts concerning this type of thinking, but I'll reserve them for now.  Or you might be living with an expectation that no matter what happens, you stay in the path of destruction and you weather the storm... Continually picking up that which has been discarded so carelessly by those who are supposed to cherish it.  And as you can imagine, I have even stronger sentiments regarding this idea.  Or, you could be like me... single and staying that way.  Entertaining only that which doesn't have the ability to become anything of substance because substance means that it can be valuable and something that has value will be missed when it's gone.  And I'd rather not experience that again.  So, I knowingly keep the "good ones" at bay, get temporal satisfaction from that which cannot touch the things in my SAFE HOUSE and I live.  Putting the majority of my energies on my career and children because those things I can control.  And while children aren't quite a thing that is controlled, a mother's love for them is everlasting & always enduring.  There's a special place that we mothers draw from when it comes to our babies.

But relationships are different.  You can exist in them and never question.  Or you can be accepting of their faults and shortcomings.  Now, understand that accepting the TRUTH about someone or something isn't always as healing as it sounds.  It's not always that thing needed to move into what you had perceived to be a positive place of fulfillment.  TRUTH can be what makes you leave.   TRUTH can be what makes you say, "I'm not equipped for this."  And there's nothing wrong with that in my humble opinion.  Understanding who and what you are is essential.   Because while I may be alone with no one to hold me at night, share my dreams and chase away my nightmares, I also have no one destroying my hopes and haunting my every thought. 

Now, I understand those of you who would view my position and say I'm missing out.  I'm not giving myself the opportunity to experience the best that life might have to offer me.  And while I get your point of view, I've counted the cost.  And if you've read my book, you know that I believe that if what I miss is HALF of what I've managed to survive, I'm good with it.  Sad, but true.

What about you all?  How are you dealing with the Tornadoes of Truth in your life?  The destruction?  The cleanup?  Are you building safe houses that keep people from the most valuable and delicate places within you?  If so, should you be?  (should we be?)  And if not, please tell us how you got back to a place of storm chasing?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

It's Not Always About Us.... and yet, It's Always About Us

So, I spent a couple hours, literally, today in conversation with one or two of you and I have to say that by the end, I was a little frustrated.  I'm sitting here talking to beautiful, intelligent, strong women and for some reason you're questioning yourselves and settling for situations and people who are not edifying to your life. 

Why do we sit around looking at our past failed relationships and wonder "what's wrong with me?"... "why did he choose her?"... or "what does she have that i don't?" wth?

Ladies, every relationship that ends is not an indication for you to start disassembling yourself, tearing apart your qualities in search of deficiencies that justify him lying, leaving, or cheating!  It's NOT always about us!  Why don't we start thinking about what he wasn't and what we were?  Or even better, what you all were, but just not together??  Not everyone is in your life to be your spouse, your help meet, and your partner forever.  Why can't we just let people exists in our lives for the purpose they were meant?  What has happened to us, what lessons have we been taught that in 2010, we can't be satisfied, complete, and content with ourselves.... by ourselves?

And at the same time, understand that every failed relationship IS about you.  Now, I'm not contradicting myself so follow me.  Instead of focusing on the relationship.. the good, bad, or ugly, focus on you.  Bettering you.  Empowering you.  Becoming thrilled with the person you are and improving the areas that you are challenged in.  Finding your lane and getting in it.  What if you're not meant to be "wifey" and have children?  What if your purpose is one of solitude and professional accomplishment instead?  Can you accept that? Be happy in that?  I'm just saying.  We should make finding happiness and peace within ourselves the top priority and let whatever is to come our way... just come.  And it will. Trust.  Whatever is intended for you, you will have, but you must put yourself in a position to be ready for its arrival.

You ever seen someone praying to win the lottery and they can't balance their check book on $30,000 a year?  Well, guess what?  The universe, God, Jehovah, Allah..whatever name you want to call the higher power that sees fit to protect us from ourselves is NOT going to give us more than we can handle..literally.  Why should God bring you your perfect mate that he has crafted and specifically designed to compliment you, when you are still holding on to trash that doesn't treat you right, protect or respect you?  I mean, why give you diamonds when you're content with rhinestones?  And then wonder why you look cheap??  C'mon.. let's do better. Think better of ourselves.  And realize that the failures are NOT always about us, and putting ourselves in the position to experience success IS always about us!

What do you think? 

Let's talk about how to achieve this...

What Is Intended...

So, my intentions for this blog are for it to be a safe zone where women can come and share without fear of judgment or criticism.  I've watched the Oprahs & Susan L Taylors of the world speak so eloquently about their past and their hurts and they seem to be so positive and forgiving about it.  And I wonder what is wrong with me?  How come I'm not there yet?  Is this something that only comes with age or can it be acquired sooner?

Now, having said that, I also want to stay real.  Stay true.  I've never liked to see people who get saved and pretend that they never sinned or that they didn't enjoy it when they did or see people who become monetarily successful and forget where they come from and what it's like to need something.  Same thing here. 

I want us to grow.  I really do.  I want what has hurt and damaged us to become a tool for positive change within us, freedom from bondage, and the destruction of our fears, but I want you to keep it real.  I think that's where the name came from... Healed Doesn't Mean It Don't Hurt.  We're able to move on and be productive in life, but that doesn't mean that the things that have happened to us don't still hurt a little... like they don't flare up like old aches and pains in our bones and remind us of the damage that has been done. Ya know?

In other words, acknowledging this thing not to give power to it, but to take the power away from it.  Make sense?  So, feel free to come here and share, express, cry, shout, or whatever you need to... and we will talk it out together.  Learn from each other.  Get better together.  And maybe, just maybe, we will become "stronger in our places that have been broken" like the doctors say we should.  If our physical body knows how to do it, surely we can teach our hearts and souls to do the same. 

Talk to me ladies.