Some guidelines...

I asked the great Susan L Taylor how she was able to take the pain and make it so positive... at what point was she able to make that transition? She began to speak, and after several minutes of exchanges, she suggested I start a women's group, a blog, a forum, something where we could talk. Where we as women could come and safely discuss the things in life that have damaged us. Not in the spirit of bitching and complaining, but in an effort to heal and grow beyond what we've experienced.

So ladies, I welcome you to Healed Doesn't Mean It Don't Hurt. Where I claim to have no quick fixes, and will admit there are many days when I'm anything but positive, but where we can work this out together. See, I believe that there's a place where POSITIVITY and REALITY can meet... where we can acknowledge and address the issues in a progressive manner... and where that honesty brings to us healing that frees us from our previous chains of bondage, but also admits the hurt is still something we deal with.

Hopefully, I'm making sense and you all can feel me on this.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

It's Not Always About Us.... and yet, It's Always About Us

So, I spent a couple hours, literally, today in conversation with one or two of you and I have to say that by the end, I was a little frustrated.  I'm sitting here talking to beautiful, intelligent, strong women and for some reason you're questioning yourselves and settling for situations and people who are not edifying to your life. 

Why do we sit around looking at our past failed relationships and wonder "what's wrong with me?"... "why did he choose her?"... or "what does she have that i don't?" wth?

Ladies, every relationship that ends is not an indication for you to start disassembling yourself, tearing apart your qualities in search of deficiencies that justify him lying, leaving, or cheating!  It's NOT always about us!  Why don't we start thinking about what he wasn't and what we were?  Or even better, what you all were, but just not together??  Not everyone is in your life to be your spouse, your help meet, and your partner forever.  Why can't we just let people exists in our lives for the purpose they were meant?  What has happened to us, what lessons have we been taught that in 2010, we can't be satisfied, complete, and content with ourselves.... by ourselves?

And at the same time, understand that every failed relationship IS about you.  Now, I'm not contradicting myself so follow me.  Instead of focusing on the relationship.. the good, bad, or ugly, focus on you.  Bettering you.  Empowering you.  Becoming thrilled with the person you are and improving the areas that you are challenged in.  Finding your lane and getting in it.  What if you're not meant to be "wifey" and have children?  What if your purpose is one of solitude and professional accomplishment instead?  Can you accept that? Be happy in that?  I'm just saying.  We should make finding happiness and peace within ourselves the top priority and let whatever is to come our way... just come.  And it will. Trust.  Whatever is intended for you, you will have, but you must put yourself in a position to be ready for its arrival.

You ever seen someone praying to win the lottery and they can't balance their check book on $30,000 a year?  Well, guess what?  The universe, God, Jehovah, Allah..whatever name you want to call the higher power that sees fit to protect us from ourselves is NOT going to give us more than we can handle..literally.  Why should God bring you your perfect mate that he has crafted and specifically designed to compliment you, when you are still holding on to trash that doesn't treat you right, protect or respect you?  I mean, why give you diamonds when you're content with rhinestones?  And then wonder why you look cheap??  C'mon.. let's do better. Think better of ourselves.  And realize that the failures are NOT always about us, and putting ourselves in the position to experience success IS always about us!

What do you think? 

Let's talk about how to achieve this...


  1. Wow,Dani this is sooooo true....i mean, i know myself,as much as i want a butt is NOT ready for one! But then again, i want to be so content with Apryl, that that is the furthest thing from my mind...and im not there yet but im definitely on my way....and yea, its hard sometimes...sometimes i want to take the "easy" road and just be with someone for the sake of just that...being with someone....but im just now FINDING apryl...and thats been a rocky road in ill be crazy to go lookin for someone else..adding more bagge to my baggage...i just want to be content with me you know?

  2. i do know... see, for me, it's a little different. while i am pretty content with where i am right now, and i do have a lot going on in my careers, i also know that i hide behind those things and they are an excuse for me to not let anyone get close. and i'm not even sure that i want another mate. sometimes i wonder if the pain from the last one, coupled with the pain from the rest of my life, is enough to make me be okay with being alone from here on out. so, for now, i focus on my girls and the jobs and try not to worry about the rest. i'm pretty honest enough about my failings to know what part i played in the dissolve of my marriage, but i also know that there are certain actions that there's no justification for. it's like, if i call you a name, you're not justified in pulling out a revolver and shooting me in the heart, you know? and that's kinda how i feel about it all. so, i'm trying to get to a place where i'm content if it never gets any better than this...

  3. Yea, i understand that...i just want to focus on the boys and ME...theres soo much going on with apryl that even if someone did come be like ok it even worth a try? and i totally feel u on "the pain from the last one, coupled with the pain from the rest of my life, is enough to make me be okay with being alone from here on out"...Even though id be lying if i said im content with being single right now, i just dont think i want to give it that much energy at this point..i dont want to try again..

  4. Well here is where the unlearning needs to come in. The understanding that, if you keep going through the same things with different people, then it might be you... is to be taken with a grain of salt then. Yes, it's you in the situation, but I guess it's better to look at it like you keep getting the same lesson handed to you, until you LEARN it, just like in school. It may not be that you, in particular, are a failure, but that you need to learn another lesson like... don't give so much without reciprocity, or something else. I'm trying to pull lessons from everything and every situation nowadays... I'm curious to see what lessons I'll be taking from this discussion. :o)

  5. i defintely agree with the extreme possibility of it being me and not them...especially when its similar situations happening over and over...but so many times as women , we are quick to play the victim and cry in the mirro instead of wiping our face off and truly lookin in it...

  6. i agree wholeheartedly. if you continue to look for what you didn't have or is wrong in every relationship instead of trying to see what it was in the relationship that didn't work for you, you'll keep getting the same kind of relationship. I mean, I can't keep trying to put on a size 8 when my ass will only fit in a 10! And that doesn't mean I need to diet, but buy the right size clothes!!

  7. we have to be careful that we aren't repeating the same mistakes and that we are growing, but it could very well be that we are acting the same way because we are choosing the same situations...feel me? i know that i react a certain way with a particular type of man.. if i don't that "dani", then i choose a different kind of man...make sense??

  8. Well written girl, and I think the brutal reality of failed relationships but praying for a soulmate has been brought to the surface and people NEED to hear this! We all know ladies who keep disrespecting themselves, however, they are desperate for the man of their dreams. It AINT going to happen unless changes within are made. You are right....It IS about us...Glad you shined your light on this, because as females, we are not always the "victim". That has gotten OLD....It's time we "man" up to our faults and know it IS about us and start conducting ourselves like Queens so that King can come strolling our way...