Some guidelines...

I asked the great Susan L Taylor how she was able to take the pain and make it so positive... at what point was she able to make that transition? She began to speak, and after several minutes of exchanges, she suggested I start a women's group, a blog, a forum, something where we could talk. Where we as women could come and safely discuss the things in life that have damaged us. Not in the spirit of bitching and complaining, but in an effort to heal and grow beyond what we've experienced.

So ladies, I welcome you to Healed Doesn't Mean It Don't Hurt. Where I claim to have no quick fixes, and will admit there are many days when I'm anything but positive, but where we can work this out together. See, I believe that there's a place where POSITIVITY and REALITY can meet... where we can acknowledge and address the issues in a progressive manner... and where that honesty brings to us healing that frees us from our previous chains of bondage, but also admits the hurt is still something we deal with.

Hopefully, I'm making sense and you all can feel me on this.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Truth & Trust... Does one prevent the other?

Ok.. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a big believer in being honest even though that honesty is sometimes brutal.  Now, if I'm being real, I think that my relationship with truth has become the preventer of trust.  And then there's the additional perception that acceptance of reality is somehow negative and I have to beg to differ.

Let's deal with the first of these issues:  TRUTH... and its effect on us.

Truth to me is like an English Bulldog: It's so ugly, it's cute.  Or like the funnel of a tornado:  It has the power to wreak havoc on anything that gets in its path, but damn it's beautiful and you have to respect its power.  Because once the destruction happens, there's no choice left but to rebuild.  And now you know what needs to be stronger, where to place the beems in the foundation of your heart.  Make sense? But in this new found building process do we now trust nothing again.  It doesn't matter what the manufacturers say.  No matter how strong the steel is, how tempered the glass, or storm proof the shutters, don't those of us who have experienced AND survived the force of TRUTH always build a SAFE HOUSE... an underground bunker... where we place our valuables, those things that are precious and cannot be replaced?

So, the question becomes is the acceptance of truth, the exposing of that which needs to be brought to light, a debilitating factor in our ability to risk again.  To engage in relationships without the need for an emergency plan or expert exit strategy.  I'm just asking.

It's like this:  before we had tornado watches and warnings... we just enjoyed the show that nature put on for us.  We admired the shift in the wind, the moving of the clouds in the sky, and the firework display put on by its lightening.  But now that we have witnessed its destruction... now that we've had to clean up the wreckage left behind by our ignorance of what it could do, most of us listen to the warning signals, button down the hatches, and evacuate to our safe places at the hint that something of that magnitude could be coming our way.  There are those few... the storm chasers we all think are crazy that go running head first chasing that which we all want to entertain but respectfully fear. 

How do you become a storm chaser when you've had to pick up the pieces of your life from beneath the rubble of lies, cheating, abuse, and pain?  How is that possible? Depending on your upbringing and culture, you may say that God is the answer.  You know "when you're ready to let go & let God, you will."  Now, I have some serious thoughts concerning this type of thinking, but I'll reserve them for now.  Or you might be living with an expectation that no matter what happens, you stay in the path of destruction and you weather the storm... Continually picking up that which has been discarded so carelessly by those who are supposed to cherish it.  And as you can imagine, I have even stronger sentiments regarding this idea.  Or, you could be like me... single and staying that way.  Entertaining only that which doesn't have the ability to become anything of substance because substance means that it can be valuable and something that has value will be missed when it's gone.  And I'd rather not experience that again.  So, I knowingly keep the "good ones" at bay, get temporal satisfaction from that which cannot touch the things in my SAFE HOUSE and I live.  Putting the majority of my energies on my career and children because those things I can control.  And while children aren't quite a thing that is controlled, a mother's love for them is everlasting & always enduring.  There's a special place that we mothers draw from when it comes to our babies.

But relationships are different.  You can exist in them and never question.  Or you can be accepting of their faults and shortcomings.  Now, understand that accepting the TRUTH about someone or something isn't always as healing as it sounds.  It's not always that thing needed to move into what you had perceived to be a positive place of fulfillment.  TRUTH can be what makes you leave.   TRUTH can be what makes you say, "I'm not equipped for this."  And there's nothing wrong with that in my humble opinion.  Understanding who and what you are is essential.   Because while I may be alone with no one to hold me at night, share my dreams and chase away my nightmares, I also have no one destroying my hopes and haunting my every thought. 

Now, I understand those of you who would view my position and say I'm missing out.  I'm not giving myself the opportunity to experience the best that life might have to offer me.  And while I get your point of view, I've counted the cost.  And if you've read my book, you know that I believe that if what I miss is HALF of what I've managed to survive, I'm good with it.  Sad, but true.

What about you all?  How are you dealing with the Tornadoes of Truth in your life?  The destruction?  The cleanup?  Are you building safe houses that keep people from the most valuable and delicate places within you?  If so, should you be?  (should we be?)  And if not, please tell us how you got back to a place of storm chasing?


  1. I built walls of steel, reinforced with mortar, centerblocks, surrounded by barbwire and rabid dogs. And then I met him. and we were fast friends. He was my confidant. Something I had longed hoped for. A best friend. And slowly he was permitted to pass through. He was my very best friend and I thought we'd be best friends forever...and then he let the cat out of the bag and said he wanted to be with me. So I went for it and "chased the storm" and it was amazing, breathtakingly beautiful. That "being all in love" causes you to miss signs and warnings of the potential danger and you can end up in trouble, major trouble if you proceed and throw caution to the wind. I was in love but my eyes starting opening and Im no fool. I wasn't gonna be in love alone. Wasn't gonna let someone make me feel any less than the wonderful person that I am... I couldn't do that anymore. I heard the sirens and fled before serious damage was done. I loved him with everything but I love me more and it took years to be able to say that. So fastforward six months later. I'm healed from that and now in theory ready for something. But afraid. I really don't know how to take a chance again. Love is a beautiful thing but too many illprepared people walk into is so discouraging.

  2. So, do you think it's worth it to do it your way? You know, opening yourself up and then having to go back, lick your wounds & heal, only to repeat the cycle all over again just for the CHANCE at finding love that is reciprocated?

  3. I'm not sure. You know how in double dutch the ropes are turning and you're standing on the outside trying to time when the perfect moment to jump in...I've kind of lost confidence that I can jump rope so to speak, so I'm still standing on the sideline hesitating. It's brutal but I know in theory it can be a beautiful thing. I want it but don't wanna be wounded in the search. Haven't found one worth taking that risk for yet...yet.
    Keep wondering if it is me?
    Can't pinpoint any major don't seem to be able to deal with candor, bluntness, or "hold the bullshit" truth. Sometimes it aint all roses and butterflies.
    Do you get the same reaction from men? You call their bluff, lay their lies out on the table and call it what it is and they run?

  4. Yes, I do find that they tend to run from straightforward females, including myself. But more importantly, or more significant for me is that I've gotten too leary of the game. I don't even want to play anymore. I seriously don't entertain men that I think might have substance for me. The idea of being hurt in any way, shape, or form that resembles the end of my marriage or some other relationships in my past is more than I'm willing to risk. Not sure what that says about me...

    And then what does it say about us or the state of relationships that their end causes us to always look at ourselves for whatever is wrong?

  5. Relationships, friendships, people...none are what they used to be. Don't know at what point moves in life became games; and people game pieces to maneuver.

  6. i think alot of us are to the point where we don't even wanna be anywhere near the game..or even the thought of it..especially if we've ever been hurt before. Im just to the point that im too busy dealing with the ugly truth about myself, let alone someone else' still trying to accept the truth about me...and that sure as hell aint easy or family,friends and men can take a backseat right now. im a crazy ass puzzle already and im not trying to add extra pieces that don't fit.